Monday 30 September 2013

Health; Depression and me

A few weeks ago I talked about a "shadow" what I was saying in not so many words was I am depressed, hard for anyone to admit, because of the complete stigma attached to the word, do people understand how your feeling? no I don't think so people will label you anything
"attention seeking" "miserable" maybe even "crazy" However you want to dress it up Depression is an awful thing.

How can I explain how I am feeling? Depression is not just a feeling of being upset that is quite rational, Depression Is more like a black cloud that sucks you in and consumes you for weeks/months maybe even years.
A part of me has crumbled away it has taken my self confidence my self belief I feel like I have lost who I am, I resent myself for feeling the way I do, for feeling like some mornings I don't want to get out of bed, Don't want to see the day, I don't want to talk.

I asked for help I knew I could not carry on the way that I was feeling. I felt bad, I was crying all the time, it wasn't fair on the boys. If there is any piece of advice I could give to people it is seek help there is nothing to be ashamed of nothing to be afraid of, you have to talk share the way you feel.
The GP has put me on medication do I feel better? I don't know if I do sometimes I feel like I could conquer the world and other days I want to hide from it. Why do people tell you when you are feeling bad to "snap out of it" "stop crying" "chin up it will all get better soon"  You know what genuinely I cant and I hope I will feel better soon but that light is still a long way away right now.

from day to day I don't always function normally it takes me all my efforts some days to do things, I have to really force myself, a fight against myself is hard enough work with out all the other things that life throws at you.

Depression does not affect everyone in the same ways everyone is different after all we all have different lives, different problems and different minds. I have become very good at hiding mine from the world, I can pretend I am alright, some days I do have better days than others And sometimes I am really happy, yes when you have depression you can have times when you are actually happy. depression however is not just something that can be lifted off your shoulders over night its a long grueling process.

Over the last few weeks I have practically thrown every ounce of energy I have at this blog. Why? because it keeps my mind active, it keeps me from thinking bad thoughts its my motivation, its also here so like now when I am not feeling so good I can put all my feelings and thoughts down in one place, do I mind that everyone can read it? the answer is no if I help one person from this then that's good enough for me.



  1. ahhh I'm sorry its been so bad for you. glad you went to see the Dr. It must be very hard to deal with when you've got young children to look after. When you're in the depths of it then it can be hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel. But it is there, you just need to find the light switch!
    Hilda xx

    1. thanks Hilda yes it has been very hard I hope that time will make things better thank you x

  2. Hi honey, Just want to say - I understand you completely and I am sending you a hug. I too suffer from depression and have tried all sorts of anti-depressants and none have helped. My consultant is good though as she doesn't believe in patients taking medications that are not having any effect on them. I must have trialed at least 6 types for a period of 3 months each so i did try. I don't sleep and that makes my depression worse. You will probably have noticed that many of my posts on your blog are types between 4 and 5 am! That is because I am usually wide awake by 3 and get up by 3.30am! Again, I have tried everything and because of my depression and suicide attempts in the past, my doctor will not prescribe me sleeping pills for more than 5 days at a time - and they only help me in the short term. Sometimes I feel that I cannot remember a time when I wasn't depressed and I don't think I will ever break free from it. So I too have a shadow - I hope and I really do hope that one day it will disappear from both of us and leave a ray of sunshine in the vacant space we will have left xxx (Ps look at the time now - slept from 11.30 - 2.15am!)

    1. I did wonder why you were up every day so early I guess I blog to keep going and you comp thanks for you long message of support Tracy I do read your comments everyday and there always lovely fingers crossed the sun will come back soon x

  3. I can identify with a lot of what you say, hope you feel better soon. I've found that meditation/relaxation focussing alternately on allowing my feelings to drift away and building up my self-esteem helps me greatly.

  4. Make sure you surround yourself with understanding friends... learn to take a step back from those who are sucking your energy. Hopefully the anti-depressants will work - they can sometimes be useful, but what worked for me was counselling, and lately, tons of exercise (not that you feel much like it when you're down, but trust me it has an amazing effect on self-esteem).


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