My Breast Cancer Journey - Getting prepared for a mastectomy

Its been just over a week since my single mastectomy and my next post will document just that, I wrote part of this post before I went into hospital, I have been finding it really difficult to write exactly what I have been thinking and feeling because its been awash with thoughts of cancer and as you can imagine or know it has been a really stressful time.

How exactly do you prepare for a mastectomy? I don't think as a woman you ever quite will be prepared for this sort of surgery its not only the physical appearance you have to think about its emotionally painful when I think about it, honestly I would rather lose a hand, I know its only appearance but in this day and age, appearance, not just to me, although it shouldn't matter for most of us it really does matter. In the twenty-first century, though there are a lot of bands around now that make really beautiful feminine underwear, the breast prosthesis you can get are actually really stunning and lifelike and the reconstructive surgery, its truly amazing what the surgeons can achieve.

However, despite all of this and the fact that mastectomies are becoming more and more common this sort of surgery should not be downplayed.

I have to say I was so stressed the night before the operation, I found it difficult to think I found my mind was working in overdrive trying to imagine just what I was going to look like and of course I'm only human I imagined I would look like a monster I thought it would be horrifically ugly. After the surgery, I was pleasantly surprised it actually doesn't look that bad and the surgery was nowhere near as bad as I thought honestly try not to overthink things, I know its easier said than done.

I thought rather than me going on I would give you my top tips on preparing for a mastectomy, of course, there may be things I have missed but hopefully, this will help others that are going through the same thing or that are in a similar situation to myself.

Preparing for a Mastectomy 

1. Communication, Obviously, your body image is going to be drastically altered, so open communication is an absolute must. Communicate your true feelings, hopes and fears to your partner if you have one or a friend, a relative whoever you are close too, but first, admit them to yourself. Consider keeping a diary or just writing down all your feeling where you can really let it all out. 
2. Grieve, like anything we lose or are about to loose we grieve its normal to be sad/angry if you need to cry, cry, scream and shout just let it all out and if this isn't enough do it again. After all, this is a huge deal.
3. Clean your house, sounds ridiculous but after a mastectomy, you are not actually going to know how long you are going to be feeling poorly for and your not supposed to do anything too strenuous for at least four weeks at least if the house has been cleaned from top to bottom before you go into hospital it will hopefully stay relatively clean - I also cleaned mine because I have been stressed and generally tend to clean more when I'm worried about things.
4. Stock up, I made sure I had got plenty of food in the cupboards to eat if you like batch cooking you could also do this and freeze meals so it makes like just that little bit easier. I also did a shop online before I went into hospital, for later on in the week so I knew I hadn't got to worry about doing another shop and I knew we wouldn't run out of food.
5. Buy some bigger clothes, this is one of my top tips I made sure I went into the hospital with a shirt on that was purposely too big. After surgery your not going to be able to lift your arm up in the air so it is ideal to have shirts, I also bought PJs that were front buttoning they are also two sizes too big, you really don't want them to be too small or tight as your going to be pretty sore for a while. 
6. Take time to think, think about your reconstruction I went with the consultant's advice and I am having a delayed reconstruction later after treatment but there are so many different reconstruction options these days and there fabulous but obviously all come with there own risks, do your research and make an informed choice.
7. Seek out support, there are loads of Breast cancer charities now that offer free helplines if you have a burning question or you just need to chat to someone that has been through the same thing don't be afraid to utilise these services they're all there to help.
8. Take a photo of your breasts, I take photos of everything on a daily basis but this is something I didn't do, I really wish I had it will help with the grieving process and on a practical note it might help with the reconstruction, matching up you breasts and also if you wanted to have a nipple tattoo, later on, it could help with matching up the colours.
9. Be prepared for drains, I was lucky I didn't have a drain in after my surgery but many mastectomy patients do, you can buy post-surgical dressing gowns and pyjamas from the likes of Marks & Spencers and Asda they have bigger pockets so you have somewhere to put your drain or you could take a small shopping tote bag it would do the job just as well.
10. Pillows, sleeping isn't the easiest when you have just been diagnosed with cancer but after a major operation, it can be even more difficult, make sure you have plenty of pillows to get yourself comfortable id also try and identify somewhere else you could potentially sleep just in case the bed is too uncomfortable.

My last bit of advice is to take each day as it comes and deal with the now, be kind to yourself remember you got, this keep smiling. 

My Breast Cancer Journey - More bad news

Monday 22nd July 

The day I went for my MRI scan, a scan you say easy I thought it would be easy it was bloody horrific laying on my front with my boobs in what could only be described as a basket for 35 minutes it wasn't a nice experience at all, I have seen MRI scans so many times from behind the glass window but being in one, it was so noisy even with headphones over my ears at one point I was really frightened I shed a few tears while I laid in there on my own.

Thursday 25th July 

Today was the day I got my results from the MRI on that I had had on Monday, The consultant was hoping the MRI scan would show the mass was small enough to perform a lumpectomy - a lumpectomy is where they just remove the lump leaving the breast in place so it conserves the rest of the breast and tissue.

However, the results were in and it was more bad news the results showed the mass was not just one mass or two it was multifocal meaning there were more than one or two masses there was around five or six masses one slightly larger and lots of little tumours around the primary mass. 

The MRI also showed the breast tissue has high-grade ductal carcinoma all around them the whole area was nine centimetres by seven centimetres so the cancer was far more extensive than originally thought, this meant there was no other way to remove the cancer, other than to have a full mastectomy it was a hard blow to swallow.

We talked through my options, the consultant told me if I wanted immediate breast reconstruction she could give me an implant which would probably leave me looking very odd, also the risk of infection was high and with me having to have second-line treatment after the mastectomy it would probably end up not being very nice. It would also be difficult to fix if it was to end up damaged or infected. 

The consultant recommended a mastectomy with delayed reconstruction would probably be the best thing for me as there was less risk of infection and the reconstruction, later on, would be easier for them to perform and would look a lot better.

It was a really difficult decision, I decided that I would go with her recommendation of the latter option, a full mastectomy with delayed reconstruction, although I would have to wait 18 months to two years for this, by then hopefully all this nightmare of a situation would be over and I would be properly healed.

I can't tell you what it feels like knowing you have got to go to surgery and have your breast removed and wake up flat. 

How would you feel if you were told you had got to have one of your breasts removed?

I have never really realised how much having boobs makes you feel like a woman, when you have had them all your life and someone tells you, you have got to have one taken away it just makes me feel really sad, I am dreading the surgery, dreading waking up flat, its not normal and things will never, ever be the same again implant or rebuild my boobs will never be what they were and never look the same.

On the plus side, I will be alive, the operation will be the start of my recovery, the start of me being cancer-free and the start of getting back to normal, although things will never be normal as I knew them before, maybe somewhere I can find a new kind of normal. The road to recovery is still a long way off and after surgery, no decisions have been made to what treatment I am having next so this is just the beginning.

 

I Have Breast Cancer

I keep saying it because I can barely believe it myself I have Breast Cancer I'm thirty-six years old, I have five children and I have Breast Cancer how can life be so bloody cruel.

4% THE NUMBER OF WOMEN UNDER 39 THAT GET BREAST CANCER 

physically I feel so well apart from having the odd pain in the breast I am no different to how I was a month ago except now I know, I know I have a monster growing in my breast one that is trying to suck the life out of me, how do I feel honestly, I am just numb I am talking about it to people telling friends, family, work colleagues as if its just something that has happened or happens to everyone its still does not feel real, my brain just isn't processing the information at this point.

Thursday 11th July Diagnosis and the plan 

Today was the day I was given my diagnosis, I went to the hospital with Ian and my sister by my side, to listen to the news I was almost expecting, the consultant said I'm really sorry its cancer - my reaction I didn't cry I think over the last week I had already prepared myself for the worst news possible they thought there were two small masses however they couldn't be sure as when they do a mammogram in women under fifty, breast tissue is quite dense so they can't always see cancer properly.

The consultant explained that because of how the cancer was sitting inside my breast, there were two small masses about two centimetres apart surrounded by microcalcifications (the beginnings of more cancer)

The Consultant thought that I would need to have a full mastectomy,  However, she wanted to be sure and said they were going to send me for an MRI which would give them a much more accurate view of what they were actually dealing with because of my young age if they could they would rather just perform a lumpectomy where they remove only the part with cancer so my boob would be saved.

The consultant had also organised blood to be taken an ECG and my pre-operation talk I was given leaflets, for practically everything I needed to know about breast cancer and a special folder to keep it all in, but no actual specific treatment plan yet.

I have no idea what they were talking about at that point it was just all too much my mind was drifting fixated on the folder, ironically I was thinking the last time I had a special folder and this many appointments I was having the twins, how I wish I could go back to then, I was so happy, now I just don't know what to think or feel I don't want a bloody operation nor do I want any treatment I just want it all to go away.

The Hospital said they're ninety percent sure I have Breast Cancer

Wednesday the 3rd of July

My Appointment is at the hospital, this time I had no kids to take with me, my mum and dad had offered to look after the girls for me and the boys were at school. My appointment was nice and early 9.30 I arrived, they promptly called me through to see the consultant, she was really lovely the staff told me to change into a gown which,  I did she examined my breast and felt the lump, smiled she said

"well there is no history of cancer in your family, you are young and fit I am quite sure it will be a cyst or fatty tissue, we will get you an ultrasound and if everything looks ok you will be discharged from there"

I was quite happy I went and waited outside the room to be called in.

I didn't have to wait long before I was called into the ultrasound room, once in the room, they asked me if I knew which breast that needed looking at?  I said yes the Left breast, they began the scan I say because there were two people looking at the screen they were pointing and sighing and zooming in and out, I couldn't really see what they were looking at or hear what they were saying they scanned booth breasts the person taking the ultrasound then turned to me and said

"we're not sure at the moment what we are looking at we want you to have a mammogram and come back to us after".

At this point, I felt nervous I dint understand what they had seen or why they were not discharging me, I'm 36 it cant be surely more than an abscess, fatty tissue or a cyst so off I went for the mammogram it wasn't really painful like some people had said just really uncomfortable and the room was freezing which didn't help matters.

Once the mammogram had all been done, it was back to the ultrasound room when I went inside they were both examining the mammogram they then explained to me what was going on, they told me that they were 90% sure that what the scans had shown up was something suspicious but they couldn't be sure without taking tissue samples, they then asked to take a biopsy an ultrasound-guided biopsy to be precise they also wanted to put a marker in my breast in case they needed to scan it again, I agreed.

It began, it was horrible anaesthetic first then they took approximately six biopsies all I could think was it can't be cancer I am only 36, what about the kids? how the hell am I going to cope with the kids and being ill who was going to look after them?

I could feel hot tears trickling down my face one of the radiographers pulled a tissue out the box and wiped my cheek, I couldn't speak I was really trying to be brave at that moment I didn't want to cry in front of these strangers, the biopsies seemed to go on for a lifetime all I could think was I just want to go home. When I came out of the ultrasound room.

I went running into my little sister's arms crying, she had been patiently waiting outside for me, I don't think she knew what to think or to say, I'm the one who has always looked after her and now she was taking my worries, trying to be the strong one, I didn't like the feeling at all, the radiographer moved us into a private room the tears didn't last long I don't think id really taken it all in.

Afterwards, I had to see the consultant again and do you know what? she apologised, apologised for saying she was confident it was nothing this time she had another lady with her in a different uniform a deep blue uniform, I looked at her name badge it said breast cancer specialist nurse, the consultant told me she would see me a week from this day with the results and left the room.

The nurse looked at me and said do you understand what you have just been told and I said

"Shes Telling Me I Have Cancer"

The nurse just looked at me and said I'm not going to sugar coat it yes she is but we have to wait for the official results first.

The rest is a blur I didn't really hear anything else I just kept looking at the clock and the door.

I had been at the hospital three hours I was in pain with my boob my brain could not process any more information, I wanted to go home and couldn't get out quick enough.

When I got home I was like a robot, I told my Mum and Dad they cried in fact I rang or messaged most of my close friends or family not really thinking about what I was saying just repeating the same story over and over talking about it like it is something I had watched on the TV my brain wasn't processing things, I was starting to get cross, people were saying how sorry they were and crying, I just wasn't taking it seriously, I was just saying don't worry I'm honestly fine and really I was.

I was fine until about four days  after my appointment, after googling and googling my symptoms I just got really mad I went up into the bedroom and started throwing things around for no reason, then I cried, and I cried and I cried to the point where I felt like I couldn't breathe and everything hurt, I cried until I fell asleep.

The next day I decided that ninety per cent perhaps wasn't enough of a percentage, they could have still got it wrong, couldn't they? after all the NHS do get things wrong,  I rang the Breast care nurses and asked them what the percentage was of them getting things wrong, she wasn't very helpful she said the radiographers don't usually get things wrong (well she was really helpful she just didn't say the words I wanted her too) my mind went into overdrive if I wasn't thinking about cancer I was googling it, talking about it crying about it thinking about my life, was I going to survive? who would look after the kids if I didn't?

These stupid thoughts came and went I needed to wait for the results everything crossed the professionals were wrong!

 

I Found a "Lump"

I'm a nurse so you think I would be hot on checking for lumps and bumps etc but actually, I'm not with five children, a home to keep clean and a job to hold down, Its not something that takes priority. However, this particular night I had maybe ten minutes in the bath to be with my own thoughts, you know the time as a parent when there are no little people coming into poo or wee or just generally to tell you about some random story about school or how their brother/sister has stolen their toys breathed their air.

At that moment, that moment to myself I had a stabbing pain into my boob, which made me screw my face up in pain, it also made me recall how perhaps a few days ago or last week I had, had the same pain, I WAS going to investigate but something had always got in my way, the pain  at that specific moment was a great reminder I remember someone telling me that breast should be almost symmetrical in feelings, a lump in one should be present in the other as I examined my boobies gently next to my nipple there was a hard lump I checked the other boob and there was definitely only the one lump I pushed and prodded it a bit and actually it didn't hurt, I wasn't really worried, to be honest.

I mentioned it to Ian and he said you better get it checked out, of course, I was going to in a few days after I had done a million other tasks made a million other phone calls.

About five days had come and gone by the time I actually got round to phoning the doctors, I wasn't really phased by the lump, I rang the doctors and explained that I had found a lump the receptionist was far from sympathetic said it was probably nothing but would book me an appointment for in a couple of days, I get that doctors receptionists like all NHS workers are probably overworked, underpaid and is probably fed up of Doreen from down the road coming in with a runny nose or little Timmy,s  mum ringing for an emergency appointment because the have an infected nail bed where they keep biting them but honestly if they don't have the patience, sympathy or ability to be tactful they should seriously find another bloody job!

Thursday 20th June 2019 

My doctor's appointment is at 10am, Ok I know it's important but I would rather be at playgroup socialising or cleaning, I didn't have time to go home for the car, I have had to walk straight down after the school run with the twins, as usual, the morning chaos has made me forget to bring the girls cups out and a snack to keep them quiet (Don't judge me you don't know kiddie scraps until you have two, two-year-olds fighting) Luckily for once I had got my purse and there is a Co-op right next door to the doctors, I got them drinks and a small pack of chocolate kinder bars I anticipated one for the waiting room plus drink and one for the actual examination room.

After waiting for what seemed like forever with two getting ratty little girls, finally, my name was lit up on the board room 8 upstairs, here we go so somehow now I have got to navigate myself in a lift, not just any lift one of those shitty types that you have to hold your finger on the button that barely has enough room for myself and the double pushchair it keeps telling me light ray activated by the time we reach the top I feel like smashing the lift, out of the lift we go along the corridor the pushchair handles scraping along the wall because they are only just wide enough to fit.

Finally, we reach room 8, I knock on the door trying to push the pushchair in...... It doesn't fit through the bloody door, I have to get both the girls out the pushchair at which point they have both decided actually we don't want to be in this room and we don't like the doctor so we're now both just going to scream cling to mummy like monkeys and we don't want that chocolate you bought us were just going to scream louder in unison when you try to talk to us or reason with us.

At this point I just wish I hadn't come I'm trying to talk over the noise I explain to the doctor why I was visiting the doctor tells me to undress which somehow I manage to do prising one twin off then the other and sitting cuddling them both either side of me on the examination table, the doctor examines me I feel so vulnerable I think I would somehow prefer a smear test sitting half-naked with two screaming children is not a look Id go for again in a rush.

The doctor's verdict "your 36 no pain I anticipate its a cyst or fatty tissue I'm not concerned"
He went on to say they would refer me to the breast clinic because its what they "had to do"
I wasn't concerned either I just wanted to get dressed and get out its probably one of the worst GP visits I have had just because of how much hassle it was.

I didn't really think about the lump and I had tried to forget the GP appointment, the hospital appointment dropped through the door around five days later.

I have decided to blog my hospital experience and appointment in my next post as its another quite long one.

Pregnancy - Planing the drive to the Hospital with Kia Stonic

I'm sure most mums whilst pregnant and pre-labour are guilty of this, We make plans to pack a changing bag, an overnight bag we decorate the nursery and prepare by buying baby equipment but how many of us actually plan the route to the hospital how are you going to get there when those labour pains set in? This is where your partner/ birthing partner can step in to help.

To celebrate the launch of the All-New Kia Stonic Urban Crossover, Kia is hosting a new test drive initiative introduced to help dads-to-be practice for the transition to fatherhood, covering everything from the drive to the hospital to the dreaded first car seat fitting. This was something that myself and Ian didn't really think about when I was pregnant with the twins and I'm sure most couples can relate to this, I got Ian to try out the challenges to see how he measured up! I was invited along a week or so ago to Leicester road Mountsorrel Loughborough dealership to test drive the New Kia Stonic, and found it to be an amazing car!

Before the actual test drive we took part in a series of challenges the first was similar to a treasure hunt except each clue led to something that you would need for a complete changing bag - the pressure was on, similar to the pressure you would feel if your partner was going into labour and you had to pack a real changing bag it was great fun working out the clues which were cleverly Placed around the dealership each one leading to another thing that belonged in the bag it was timed - I don't think Ian was that quick although the changing bag quite suited him! 

The second was the dreaded fitting of the car seat - it was again timed and Ian really struggled to get this in even though when we go out and about now he fits two car seats into our car he is a pro - but I think it was the pressure of being timed, it is so, so important you know how the car seat fits into the car when you go into labour and before you leave the hospital. Make sure you and your birthing partner or daddy to be knows how the car seat fits.

If you follow my blog regularly you will know I only passed my driving test just over a month ago so I went to the test drive with the full intention that there was no way I was going to drive the car (I hadn't driven since I passed). With a bit of gentle persuasion I decided that I would give it a go and do you know what I am actually so glad I did, I passed my test in a fairly new car so I thought that the Kia Stonic couldn't be much different - I was wrong it was so much better.

When I realised I had to reverse out of the Kia dealership I was really nervous  The reverse camera system with dynamic lines came on in front of me on the screen which made it all the more easier to reverse it is also there to help you park. The mirrors have sensors on them so you know if you are getting too close to another car or a white line, central reservation or even if you are trying to change lanes too soon. I actually felt like a celebrity, The interior throughout the Kia Stonic has a real sporty feel to it. This car has all the features of a family car yet it is super stylish, classy and smooth drive. 

If you love gadgets like my partner does this car is packed with them if you have an Apple phone or android you can syncronise your music or sat nav (which is in built) I always find a car is a place where you actually get to decide what music you want to listen to if your going to have a slick car like this you may as well make great use of the alone time with the music of your choice, however I can also see it would come in handy with a new born and white noise or nursery rhymes playing to soothe a crying baby. The car is great for the tech lover it also has other great features, Autonomous emergency braking, Reversing camera system with dynamic guidelines DAB radio and Hill start assist.

I'm not great with technology and gadgets but I do love styling things my own and the Kia Stonic comes in an array of bright colours you can choose which colour combinations you would like, which is a feature that I personally love. The seats are really comfortable and heated too which is exactly what you need at this time of year along with the steering wheel being heated which is great for the cold winter mornings. The steering wheel was really light and easy to move. 

When I went for the test drive I took one of my little ones with me I noticed there was plenty of room in the back for one car seat or even three - like a bigger family might need. The car itself is very quiet and smooth to drive it has a good power behind it even though it only has a one litre engine, for a brand new car I thought it was very reasonably priced and comes with a seven-year warranty which is fab so no need to worry about the car which is a great thing if you are a parent its peace of mind that you know at least one thing is always going to be reliable. The boot isn't huge but there is plenty enough space for a pushchair I did have a close look and I am almost positive you would be able to get my double in it.

I can honestly say this car is definitely made to keep parents in mind espcially ones that feel like they are not quite ready to grow up yet, it is a very cool car, that is a great all rounder, it would be great for first time parents that love the modern car, unfortunately for us and our family of seven the car just wouldn't be big enough for all of us, but I would definitely think about having this as a second car just to run around in the day time as it would be plenty big enough for myself the twins and Jack.

If you are looking for a car that is cool stylish yet practical for parenting the Kia Stonic ticks all the boxes and is definitely for you, Don't miss out book your test drive today!  

Daddy Day Car All-New Kia Stonic test drives test drives will be taking place at selected Kia dealerships in November. While places are limited, customers wishing to take part can contact kiadealer@kazoo.co.uk to inquire about their nearest dealership and book a slot. For more information on the All-New Kia Stonic please visit www.kia.co.uk/stonic

*In collaboration with Kia

You Have Got Your Hands Full! 10 quick Come Backs

Since having the twins I have heard this phrase "you have got your hands full" at least once a day but its getting to the point where I go out with the kids and hear it from at least three strangers a day and im not normally a negative person my glass is always half full but it is slowly driving me insane, I mean what exactly does it mean? That people think my life is really busy? That I cant cope? That I don't have any time for myself? Or are they implying that I shouldn't have five children that perhaps I am lazy or a baby making machine with no other life outside of motherhood.

When people say it sometimes I feel like they are looking down there nose at me, like I am, or have done something wrong, I usually just smile and say yes - I know people are probably just trying to make small talk and most but not all are not being rude, but I feel like an idiot just smiling and burying my eyes into the pushchair.

I am proud of my family every single one of them at there is not a single moment where I have thought I have got my hands full. There has got to be some better responses to use when people say "you have got your hands full" I put my thinking cap on and this is what I have come up with perhaps people will start to think before saying that god damn awful phrase.

• Feel free to take them off my hands for an hour.

• No there not, full were thinking of having some more.

• It just looks that way because I am small but I can handle a lot more than this.

• Yes but my heart is fuller. 

• Better than being empty.

• We just don't know how to say no. 

• Right? well I better sell a few. 

• We can't afford a television. 

• yep and I love every minute of it.

• Never a dull moment 

Its not easy being a parent, but as I will always say I personally would not change it for the world, so if your one of those people thinking of saying to a busy looking mum "you have got your hands full" try and maybe think of something more constructive to say for some mums a comment like that can make or break someones day. 

Do you have any more to add to the list? I would love to hear your thoughts? 

A Twin Pregnancy Story

On the 17th August 2017 I had not been feeling that well, the usual signs over emotional, sickness sore boobs, I took a pregnancy test and although I had my suspicions much to my surprise the test was very much positive some people just bring a stick of rock back from there holidays but I had to go one better and bring another baby on the way. My first thoughts were how would I cope with another baby? What was Ian going to say? although we had talked about having a child between us it had happened far sooner than I had anticipated (it definitely was not planned), I wasn't sure how he would react but when I told him he was happy, a bit scared understandably because life wasn't perfect or how he would like it to be, but he was looking forward to having a new little bundle and so was I.

The first three months were a killer not because I felt particularly poorly although I was sick, sicker than I had ever been with the boys but because I was emotional not just a little bit I was a complete wreck if a doctor had got inside my head those three months i'm sure I would have been locked up as my thoughts and feelings were all over the place I also looked like I was about five months pregnant.

Unsurprisingly when I went for the scan I was already emotional before I got there as soon as the sonographer put the the probe on my stomach there they were two little sacs the sonographer asked if I wanted the good news or the good news I actually said oh my god .... she said its twins and I burst into tears, I don't know if they were happy tears or sad tears I just thought how am I actually going to cope Jack wasn't two then Adam was only five and Liam although nearly 7 with his Autism how would he cope?  Not only that where would I put them all I live in a two bedroom house it was only just big enough for myself and the boys putting all those thoughts aside and taking a step back I was carrying twins and it was a blessing, Ian was really happy and scared to death but he reassured me we would get through it together.

The babies were diachorionic diamniotic basically non - identical they both had there own sacs and own placentas even though they had separate sacs and placentas there is still a 30% chance that they could be identical its to do with the egg splitting really early after conception I am going to talk about types of twins in another post.

I could feel the babies moving from about 15 weeks I was so excited, yet scared at the same time I kept thinking something was going to go wrong, then at 17 weeks I started having contractions the hospital didn't want to know because I was so early on they told me to take paracetamol, I cradled myself and rested hoping and praying that the pain would go away and after two days the pain subsided.

The day after that I had paid for a private gender scan, I went and found out I was having twin girls, I cried again, but this time with happiness, I didn't quite believe it was going to be two girls, I asked about the gender with every consecutive scan after this just to be sure they were both definitely girls.

Two babies and both of them being girls I couldn't believe how lucky we were, I had a scan every four weeks which is what the recommended guidelines say you should have for non-identical twins to make sure the babies are growing properly and developing in the right way which they were the pregnancy was practically plain sailing and from around 24 weeks I felt great It was out of all my my pregnancies the easiest one. I think I was bigger bump wise with Jack than I was with the girls I even managed to work until 35 weeks pregnant I was scheduled for a c-section at 37 weeks plus 2 you can read my birth story in the following post but for  now I will leave you with my bump pictures they are really personal and I haven't shared them before but this is what my pregnancy looked like!!

I hoped you enjoyed reading this tomorrow I'm going to tell you about my birth story Id love to hear your thoughts 

Jack at 8 months old

This month has seen Jack really picking up the pace in his movement this month, he isn't crawling as such but is doing an army style move on his elbows and rolling but he is really fast he certainly knows how to get to things now, I have to watch him like a hawk because he has mastered picking up little bits and putting them in his mouth, this is everything bits of fluff hairs crumbs everything goes in.

Jack has started having three meals a day now but is still having bottles, he is even managing a sandwich at lunch time, yet he still doesn't have a tooth in his little mouth.

He is also recognising  people and comes back to me when I call his name he loves to be cuddled and played with and he loves to know whats going on his little head is turning all the time to see what his big brothers are doing.

He hasn't changed in his personality he laughs at everything he is so happy and rarely ever cries only if he is tired or wants feeding.


although he has started babbling normally a babies first word is dadadada, but Jack is actually babbling mamamama I was very surprised but he is definitely saying it he has also started shouting ah whenever anyone else has food as if he is telling us off or he wants some he is so cute.




Baby Jack is growing so fast it feels like only five minutes since he has been born but he is such a lovely baby.

12 types of men you will meet on a dating site

I'm a single mum sometimes the nights are lonely - I'm not gonna lie its so quiet sometimes even the sound of my own voice makes me jump and the boredom ugh so joining a dating site or two seemed the right thing to do in this day an age its all about being a bit tech savvy and there is nothing wrong with window shopping! don't get me wrong I wasn't really looking for a relationship or anything heavy but having different people to talk to makes the night go quicker and you never know do you, I could meet prince charming if he actually exists or I could just meet more of the 12 types of men I have found so far (hopefully there is no more)!

1. The Copy and paste man - When you read his first message you will think wow what a nice guy and after re-reading his message you will realise its perfect with no errors, however somehow it wont sit right, in some stupid way they will make a mistake like saying you have beautiful blue eyes when actually you don't even have blue eyes and that's when you realise they have copied and pasted the message to half a dozen women .... hmmm not as spacial as I thought I was.
2. The cheese Monster - This will be the man that uses every cheesy chat up line going - he might say something like, are your legs tired because you have been running around my mind all night, it doesn't get much cheesier than this guy, definitely time to move on swiftly!
3. Romeo - This man will make you feel like you are the only woman to have walked the planet, you will feel amazing and beautiful - the trouble is as soon as he has got you eating out of the palm of his hand he will already be talking to his next victim.
4. The sex mad - This will be the man that sends you the horrible messages you can barely bring yourself to read or worse he will send you a picture of his male bits, well lets face it all he wants is one thing sex, yuck, wrong wrong wrong! 
5. The cocky one - This is the man with the great body, that you cant take your eyes off you read down his profile and see he has a fantastic career, the trouble is his personality stinks all he wants to talk about is himself......... yawn
6. Mr try to hard - He will agree with everything you say, and be so grateful you started talking to him, he will probably constantly remind you of how much you have in common - but its just annoying 
7. The Comedian - This man will have you crying with laughter from the moment you speak to him, everything you say he will have a quick witted response - you may finding yourself intrigued for a few days then the jokes just get down right boring and repetitive!
8. The I'm already in a relationship man - These are the ones you need to watch out for the most, they will be normal, always have time for you say the right things but after some digging things will start to not to add up in there lives, I think as a woman we have a sixth sense for these shady dudes. 
9. The Nerd and shy - This is the guy that is unfortunate in looks or is trying to express themselves by making them self look different to everyone else in the hope that someone will except them for who they are - this man will be the type that will always be confused about what he wants = he is confused to be honest so am I!
10. The Sugar Daddy - He will still be young at heart things he is 50 going on 20 he will ignore the restrictions on age limits on your profile and when you say the age gap is to big he will always reply with "oh but age is only a number" Or "its only 100 years" really guys some people like older men but the age restriction is there for a reason. 
11. The Worker and traveller - This man's profile will have a thousand photos of him skydiving travelling in a helicopter and in the desert. He will rarely say no to hard work, overtime, travelling, and lead a tedious life. They always prefer their work commitments over their relationships with females. except of course there mum who they still live with and is probably the only relationship they have ever had - honestly beware.
12. The Life long partner - This is lets face it going to be herder than I thought and the chances are slim however whether it is online dating or face to face dating relationships of any sort are always going to be complicated.      

Sorry if the offends the males out there but unfortunately I’m only experienced in terms of men. If you’re a man and you want to know about how women are, I think these are all probably somewhat similar although you may be able to place a few more categories. Wish me luck on my quest!!

How have you found online dating? Would you ever take it up? I would love to hear your thoughts?

  

#Mum's stop feeling guilty

Picture the scene - I am wondering up and down the isles, in a well known clothes store when a pretty floral top catches my eye, I look through the sizes, "Yes" they have my size feeling the soft material, I pick it up spin it round on the coat hanger, taking in every angle of it, then I pull the coat hanger up to my chin holding the top against myself looking in the mirror across the store - its lovely - then comes that moment, my brain is working overtime "the boys need new shoes, coats, underwear, toys..... Everything, before my brain has caught up the top is back on the stand with the others and I am briskly walking out of the shop without so much as looking back.

I am sure every mum has been here at some point or another, its guilt, why we as mothers do this to our selves I have absolutely no idea, did the boys need new things? (probably not) but the guilt doesn't just stop there, on a daily basis I am wracked with guilt, questions to myself like have I told them off to much? did they eat enough food? Are there uniforms ironed properly? did I leave the baby to cry for too long? are they warm enough? are they too cold? have they gone bed to late/early?, The list is endless.

Then there are the rare occasions you get asked to go out for the evening or day you have it all planned in your head what you are wearing, who is going to look after the children, how long it will take you to get them ready, before you have to get yourself ready .....and there is that damned voice again................ what if the kids get poorly? What if they wont go to sleep? what if they somehow escape from the house? or aliens take them, its ridiculous isn't it! but by the end of the conversation with your self in your head the moment of planning has gone, you have yet again resigned yourself to yet another night in front of the TV, mum Guilt has got the best of us again.

I don't know about you? but part of the battle most days is just making it through the day to bed time with perhaps no major meltdowns, telling myself over and over, you know I really am doing OK, and then there is the other part of me that is shouting "YOU CAN DO BETTER",  You are a shit mum and why you thought you could cope with three children I don't know.

So why do we beat ourselves up so much? I blame lots of factors the older generation for always telling us "we never had anyone to look after our children for us you just had to get on with it" and then there are the perfect mums at school they're are the ones that strut into school every looking like they are a model, perfect hair, perfect makeup, kids that look like angels, then there is social media baking mums, crafting mums, mums that post pictures and "proud stories" not that there is anything wrong with this we all love our children and of course when they do something good we want to share it with the world, its almost like saying HA see I am doing something right as a mum/mother but in reality other mums will feel like they have to keep up. there is always something that makes you compare yourself and feel insignificant.

Do you know what to all the Mums/Mothers Out their,

STOP BEATING YOURSELF UP

I had a bit of a "light bulb" moment today, It was Liam's sports day, after there was a raffle and refreshments, I of course bought a couple of raffle tickets it goes towards the school fund and we won in fact we won twice, they had toys, books, gift vouchers for play days out  then there was adult things wine, perfume and gift sets etc for the adults. I gave the first ticket winning ticket to Liam and told him to go and pick something, which he did, he came back with a bottle of wine for me, I could have cried, he actually put me before himself and then there was the second ticket, that I gave to Adam thinking he would definitely pick something for himself but he didn't he bought me back a box of lovely face creams and you know in that moment I realised the boys don't care if I have a new top or a night out, they don't care if the house isn't spotless or the washing up isn't done, they don't care if mummy's looking tired.

What they do care about, if mummy is there to pick them up when they fall, or if your there when they cry out having a bad dream in the night, after all in all children's eyes you're there mum and you are awesome, so don't be so hard on yourself, after all their was no manual written for parenting. mummy's come in all shapes, sizes, backgrounds and lifestyles and none of them are wrong so remember to be kind to yourself you're doing just great!     

    

Introducing Baby Jack

The next thing I have too tell you about is our beautiful new baby born on Tuesday 27th January 2015 Baby Jack was born by planned C-section weighing in at 8lb5 and a half ozs crying his little heart and with a full head of jet black hair looking just like his brother Liam he is beautiful in every way I completely fell in love with him.

Jack's first few hours,

Jack One month old,

Jack Two months old,

Jack three months old,

Jack four months old,

He is just four months old now and he is a very content little boy, he sleeps all the way through the night from from around 8pm till about 6am and I really couldn't of wished for a better child 

A Morning with The Children's Air Ambulance

A few weeks ago I was invited to spend a morning at a press event - my first event as a blogger and I couldn't have been more delighted, as it was with the children's air Ambulance and their crew.

The day itself was based around, learning and becoming aware about exactly what they do and how the air ambulance Charity helps others - as well as a once in a lifetime experience to ride in the helicopter.

I am sure like myself you have all heard about Air Ambulances and the fantastic job that they do, However this one is completely different this Helicopter has been specially adapted and contains equipment that is vital to save the lives of Children.

• The Children's Air Ambulance (TCAA) is the only specialist helicopter in the UK adapted specifically for babies and young children
• 5,800 children need transferring between hospitals because 95% of care for critically ill children is carried out in specialist units.
• Long Journeys carried out by road ambulance can be stressful for a family and a child it can also cause critical, and life threatening delays for some children 
• The Air Ambulance would typically transfer children with neurological emergency and conditions such as,severe meningitis and organ failure.
• The Children's Air Ambulance relies solely on public donations to keep it in the skies, and for it to carry on doing the job it was made for. 

At the moment the Children's Air Ambulance Crew (TCAA) can only carry critically ill babies up to twelve months old, but hopefully by raising awareness the fundraisers and supporters will be able to raise enough funds, so that the Childrens Air Ambulance can be adapted again to take children of all ages.

The children's Air Ambulance completed their first baby transfer in May 2013, airlifting its first Critically Ill baby (Theo) Theo was born five days late by Caesarian Section weighing under 5lb. He was critically ill as it was discovered his oesophagus had failed to attach correctly to his stomach and he needed expert care to be treated. The fifteen minute flight ensured he got that critical care in the quickest possible way. In this time he was flown across from Scarborough hospital to Hull Royal Infirmary to receive the lifesaving care he required.

Can you imagine how traumatic it would be to first have a baby that was that poorly and then to find out he needs to be transferred to another hospital?

I cant Imagine How you would feel as a parent but the one thing I would want was him transferring as quickly and as safely as possible - and the Air Ambulance did just that.

Since Baby Theo TCAA has helped transport a further 32 babies to different hospitals for urgent specialist care that they wouldn't have got if they had remained where they were.

Whilst we were at the press event we got to see the amazing equipment on board the helicopter, we were taught about the specialist incubator and stretcher it was all simply amazing, especially when we stepped on board, it was really exciting and an honour to have been able to take a flight inside the helicopter, the views were stunning.

As I said above the views were stunning, the ride in the air was smooth, exciting and something I will probably never get the chance in my life to do again and it really was an honour.

The harsh reality is when this helicopter takes off from the ground with a tiny or critically ill baby on board this Helicopter isn't a place of happiness for the family or excitement, it would be a feeling of apprehension, I expect you wouldn't be looking out of the window at the views, your focus would be on your little one, that amazing little life, that as a parent you would be willing to get better and for a quick and uncomplicated journey that is the least stressful for yourself and your child, for this to happen the Air Ambulance needs to stay in flight.

Which is where you come in, TCAA rely on public funding - it is a charity, unbelievable really isn't it that a service so crucial to family's rely on donations

The truth is it could happen to any of us, where we would need to use the services of TCAA, for one of our children to be transferred to another hospital - I wouldn't wish it on anyone however if it was to happen to me or my family and we did need the services of TCAA I know that we would be in safe hands.

The day with TCAA was a fantastic day and I have learnt so much, everyone was so welcoming, it was also a pleasure to meet all of the crew and the patron of the services Melanie Slade - (wife of Arsenal footballer Theo Walcott), Melanie was very down to earth and was talking about her plans about how she was going to raise money by doing a sponsored bike ride for TCAA.

I will be continuing to support The Children's Air Ambulance through out the year to find out more about TCAA they are on Facebook, Twitter and you can also find out more about them on their Website.

This post is not a sponsored post all opinions remain honest and my own thank you to the lovely people at the press office MBA that invited us along. 

Liams 4th Birthday

I am a bit late writing this post but Liam had a fabulous birthday with lots and lots of presents a very spoilt and lucky little boy his Fourth birthday was just a quiet event this year but he had a great day never the less.

Liam's presents the night before and cards.

His main present was a bike and he did manage to get half hour on it after school, but the weather has been rubbish for him, hopefully he we will be able to take it to the park this weekend coming as long as the weather is good! 

His favorite present that Nanna and Grandpa bought for him was a V-tech Innotab I wondered how he would get along with it, as he still cant read yet but he hasn't put it down since he opened it!

  

I cooked him a lovely birthday cake with his favorite character on "Fire Man Sam" and he wanted chocolate so it was decorated with chocolate butter icing and white chocolate buttons he was a very happy boy!  

Another year gone by, I still cant believe my baby is four he is growing into such a lovely young boy.

 

My baby is growing up

A week today will see us celebrate Liam's fourth birthday, time has gone so fast I cant believe you are a little boy now, you have your own opinions a voice a need to know what everything is - you are naughty yes and you have some problems in life, but every grown up that walks the earth has problems, it doesn't matter you will always have us to look after you and we will work through things together.
You are happy, fun and bursting with energy Liam you have a terrible singing voice but I love that you try so hard even if the song has no tune.

For your first birthday we had a party, it was alright you loved it all the attention you got but we hardly got to see you for the whole day, your second birthday we went to twin lakes, you loved that all the soft play areas, ball pits and rides. your third birthday was much quieter a few close relatives and lots of lovely presents you always have had as much as we could give you for special occasions like birthdays and Christmas.
This year is different again you know what you like and you know what presents you would like your list is as follows,

• A bike
• a Computer
• a Crane truck (of course a truck with a crane on top)
• a bin lorry
• a remote control car - must be blue your favourite colour
• a yellow remote control helicopter

You have also informed me today that lollipops are not enough for your class you want to take party bags, twenty six children and party bags I am not sure we will be doing that but we will see.
You want a chocolate cake with fireman Sam on it I am sure I can stretch to that, I remember when you were born like it was yesterday, I feel sad that the baby years have passed but excited to see who you are growing up to be and where our adventures in life are going to take us next.

 I am so proud of you - my baby is growing up into a lovely little boy