The Hospital said they're ninety percent sure I have Breast Cancer

Wednesday the 3rd of July

My Appointment is at the hospital, this time I had no kids to take with me, my mum and dad had offered to look after the girls for me and the boys were at school. My appointment was nice and early 9.30 I arrived, they promptly called me through to see the consultant, she was really lovely the staff told me to change into a gown which,  I did she examined my breast and felt the lump, smiled she said

"well there is no history of cancer in your family, you are young and fit I am quite sure it will be a cyst or fatty tissue, we will get you an ultrasound and if everything looks ok you will be discharged from there"

I was quite happy I went and waited outside the room to be called in.

I didn't have to wait long before I was called into the ultrasound room, once in the room, they asked me if I knew which breast that needed looking at?  I said yes the Left breast, they began the scan I say because there were two people looking at the screen they were pointing and sighing and zooming in and out, I couldn't really see what they were looking at or hear what they were saying they scanned booth breasts the person taking the ultrasound then turned to me and said

"we're not sure at the moment what we are looking at we want you to have a mammogram and come back to us after".

At this point, I felt nervous I dint understand what they had seen or why they were not discharging me, I'm 36 it cant be surely more than an abscess, fatty tissue or a cyst so off I went for the mammogram it wasn't really painful like some people had said just really uncomfortable and the room was freezing which didn't help matters.

Once the mammogram had all been done, it was back to the ultrasound room when I went inside they were both examining the mammogram they then explained to me what was going on, they told me that they were 90% sure that what the scans had shown up was something suspicious but they couldn't be sure without taking tissue samples, they then asked to take a biopsy an ultrasound-guided biopsy to be precise they also wanted to put a marker in my breast in case they needed to scan it again, I agreed.

It began, it was horrible anaesthetic first then they took approximately six biopsies all I could think was it can't be cancer I am only 36, what about the kids? how the hell am I going to cope with the kids and being ill who was going to look after them?

I could feel hot tears trickling down my face one of the radiographers pulled a tissue out the box and wiped my cheek, I couldn't speak I was really trying to be brave at that moment I didn't want to cry in front of these strangers, the biopsies seemed to go on for a lifetime all I could think was I just want to go home. When I came out of the ultrasound room.

I went running into my little sister's arms crying, she had been patiently waiting outside for me, I don't think she knew what to think or to say, I'm the one who has always looked after her and now she was taking my worries, trying to be the strong one, I didn't like the feeling at all, the radiographer moved us into a private room the tears didn't last long I don't think id really taken it all in.

Afterwards, I had to see the consultant again and do you know what? she apologised, apologised for saying she was confident it was nothing this time she had another lady with her in a different uniform a deep blue uniform, I looked at her name badge it said breast cancer specialist nurse, the consultant told me she would see me a week from this day with the results and left the room.

The nurse looked at me and said do you understand what you have just been told and I said

"Shes Telling Me I Have Cancer"

The nurse just looked at me and said I'm not going to sugar coat it yes she is but we have to wait for the official results first.

The rest is a blur I didn't really hear anything else I just kept looking at the clock and the door.

I had been at the hospital three hours I was in pain with my boob my brain could not process any more information, I wanted to go home and couldn't get out quick enough.

When I got home I was like a robot, I told my Mum and Dad they cried in fact I rang or messaged most of my close friends or family not really thinking about what I was saying just repeating the same story over and over talking about it like it is something I had watched on the TV my brain wasn't processing things, I was starting to get cross, people were saying how sorry they were and crying, I just wasn't taking it seriously, I was just saying don't worry I'm honestly fine and really I was.

I was fine until about four days  after my appointment, after googling and googling my symptoms I just got really mad I went up into the bedroom and started throwing things around for no reason, then I cried, and I cried and I cried to the point where I felt like I couldn't breathe and everything hurt, I cried until I fell asleep.

The next day I decided that ninety per cent perhaps wasn't enough of a percentage, they could have still got it wrong, couldn't they? after all the NHS do get things wrong,  I rang the Breast care nurses and asked them what the percentage was of them getting things wrong, she wasn't very helpful she said the radiographers don't usually get things wrong (well she was really helpful she just didn't say the words I wanted her too) my mind went into overdrive if I wasn't thinking about cancer I was googling it, talking about it crying about it thinking about my life, was I going to survive? who would look after the kids if I didn't?

These stupid thoughts came and went I needed to wait for the results everything crossed the professionals were wrong!