My Breast Cancer Journey - Getting prepared for a mastectomy

Its been just over a week since my single mastectomy and my next post will document just that, I wrote part of this post before I went into hospital, I have been finding it really difficult to write exactly what I have been thinking and feeling because its been awash with thoughts of cancer and as you can imagine or know it has been a really stressful time.

How exactly do you prepare for a mastectomy? I don't think as a woman you ever quite will be prepared for this sort of surgery its not only the physical appearance you have to think about its emotionally painful when I think about it, honestly I would rather lose a hand, I know its only appearance but in this day and age, appearance, not just to me, although it shouldn't matter for most of us it really does matter. In the twenty-first century, though there are a lot of bands around now that make really beautiful feminine underwear, the breast prosthesis you can get are actually really stunning and lifelike and the reconstructive surgery, its truly amazing what the surgeons can achieve.

However, despite all of this and the fact that mastectomies are becoming more and more common this sort of surgery should not be downplayed.

I have to say I was so stressed the night before the operation, I found it difficult to think I found my mind was working in overdrive trying to imagine just what I was going to look like and of course I'm only human I imagined I would look like a monster I thought it would be horrifically ugly. After the surgery, I was pleasantly surprised it actually doesn't look that bad and the surgery was nowhere near as bad as I thought honestly try not to overthink things, I know its easier said than done.

I thought rather than me going on I would give you my top tips on preparing for a mastectomy, of course, there may be things I have missed but hopefully, this will help others that are going through the same thing or that are in a similar situation to myself.

Preparing for a Mastectomy 

1. Communication, Obviously, your body image is going to be drastically altered, so open communication is an absolute must. Communicate your true feelings, hopes and fears to your partner if you have one or a friend, a relative whoever you are close too, but first, admit them to yourself. Consider keeping a diary or just writing down all your feeling where you can really let it all out. 
2. Grieve, like anything we lose or are about to loose we grieve its normal to be sad/angry if you need to cry, cry, scream and shout just let it all out and if this isn't enough do it again. After all, this is a huge deal.
3. Clean your house, sounds ridiculous but after a mastectomy, you are not actually going to know how long you are going to be feeling poorly for and your not supposed to do anything too strenuous for at least four weeks at least if the house has been cleaned from top to bottom before you go into hospital it will hopefully stay relatively clean - I also cleaned mine because I have been stressed and generally tend to clean more when I'm worried about things.
4. Stock up, I made sure I had got plenty of food in the cupboards to eat if you like batch cooking you could also do this and freeze meals so it makes like just that little bit easier. I also did a shop online before I went into hospital, for later on in the week so I knew I hadn't got to worry about doing another shop and I knew we wouldn't run out of food.
5. Buy some bigger clothes, this is one of my top tips I made sure I went into the hospital with a shirt on that was purposely too big. After surgery your not going to be able to lift your arm up in the air so it is ideal to have shirts, I also bought PJs that were front buttoning they are also two sizes too big, you really don't want them to be too small or tight as your going to be pretty sore for a while. 
6. Take time to think, think about your reconstruction I went with the consultant's advice and I am having a delayed reconstruction later after treatment but there are so many different reconstruction options these days and there fabulous but obviously all come with there own risks, do your research and make an informed choice.
7. Seek out support, there are loads of Breast cancer charities now that offer free helplines if you have a burning question or you just need to chat to someone that has been through the same thing don't be afraid to utilise these services they're all there to help.
8. Take a photo of your breasts, I take photos of everything on a daily basis but this is something I didn't do, I really wish I had it will help with the grieving process and on a practical note it might help with the reconstruction, matching up you breasts and also if you wanted to have a nipple tattoo, later on, it could help with matching up the colours.
9. Be prepared for drains, I was lucky I didn't have a drain in after my surgery but many mastectomy patients do, you can buy post-surgical dressing gowns and pyjamas from the likes of Marks & Spencers and Asda they have bigger pockets so you have somewhere to put your drain or you could take a small shopping tote bag it would do the job just as well.
10. Pillows, sleeping isn't the easiest when you have just been diagnosed with cancer but after a major operation, it can be even more difficult, make sure you have plenty of pillows to get yourself comfortable id also try and identify somewhere else you could potentially sleep just in case the bed is too uncomfortable.

My last bit of advice is to take each day as it comes and deal with the now, be kind to yourself remember you got, this keep smiling. 

My Breast Cancer Journey - More bad news

Monday 22nd July 

The day I went for my MRI scan, a scan you say easy I thought it would be easy it was bloody horrific laying on my front with my boobs in what could only be described as a basket for 35 minutes it wasn't a nice experience at all, I have seen MRI scans so many times from behind the glass window but being in one, it was so noisy even with headphones over my ears at one point I was really frightened I shed a few tears while I laid in there on my own.

Thursday 25th July 

Today was the day I got my results from the MRI on that I had had on Monday, The consultant was hoping the MRI scan would show the mass was small enough to perform a lumpectomy - a lumpectomy is where they just remove the lump leaving the breast in place so it conserves the rest of the breast and tissue.

However, the results were in and it was more bad news the results showed the mass was not just one mass or two it was multifocal meaning there were more than one or two masses there was around five or six masses one slightly larger and lots of little tumours around the primary mass. 

The MRI also showed the breast tissue has high-grade ductal carcinoma all around them the whole area was nine centimetres by seven centimetres so the cancer was far more extensive than originally thought, this meant there was no other way to remove the cancer, other than to have a full mastectomy it was a hard blow to swallow.

We talked through my options, the consultant told me if I wanted immediate breast reconstruction she could give me an implant which would probably leave me looking very odd, also the risk of infection was high and with me having to have second-line treatment after the mastectomy it would probably end up not being very nice. It would also be difficult to fix if it was to end up damaged or infected. 

The consultant recommended a mastectomy with delayed reconstruction would probably be the best thing for me as there was less risk of infection and the reconstruction, later on, would be easier for them to perform and would look a lot better.

It was a really difficult decision, I decided that I would go with her recommendation of the latter option, a full mastectomy with delayed reconstruction, although I would have to wait 18 months to two years for this, by then hopefully all this nightmare of a situation would be over and I would be properly healed.

I can't tell you what it feels like knowing you have got to go to surgery and have your breast removed and wake up flat. 

How would you feel if you were told you had got to have one of your breasts removed?

I have never really realised how much having boobs makes you feel like a woman, when you have had them all your life and someone tells you, you have got to have one taken away it just makes me feel really sad, I am dreading the surgery, dreading waking up flat, its not normal and things will never, ever be the same again implant or rebuild my boobs will never be what they were and never look the same.

On the plus side, I will be alive, the operation will be the start of my recovery, the start of me being cancer-free and the start of getting back to normal, although things will never be normal as I knew them before, maybe somewhere I can find a new kind of normal. The road to recovery is still a long way off and after surgery, no decisions have been made to what treatment I am having next so this is just the beginning.

 

BE BREAST AWARE #KnowYourBoobs

If you have been keeping up with my recent posts, you would know I have recently been diagnosed with breast cancer, before I go on and tell you what's been happening with other appointments I thought now was a good time to share with you some statistics about Breast Cancer and remind everyone how important it is to check your boobs, I know, I know I don't want to teach you to suck eggs, really we all already know how important it is, but how many of us can actually put our hand on our heart and say we check our boobs regularly?

Checking our boobs should be at least in our weekly routine if not more frequently, for example, when you apply conditioner to your hair in the bath or shower, whilst you are leaving it in for a few minutes you could easily be checking both of your boobs for lumps bumps and changes if checking your boobs is not part of your routine, make it part of your routine.

Breast cancer Stats 

• (33%) of women aren’t regularly checking. A fifth (20%) say it’s because they don’t know how to check their breasts.

• Breast cancer is the most common cancer in the UK, 

• one person is diagnosed every 10 minutes.

• 1 in 8 women in the UK will develop breast cancer in their lifetime.

• Breast cancer survival is improving and has doubled in the past 40 years in the UK.

• Almost 9 in 10 women survive breast cancer for five years or more.

• Every year around 11,500 people die from breast cancer in the UK.

I wouldn't want anyone to go through the horrible situation that I'm in however if Breast Cancer  is Caught early it is very curable, so make sure you keep checking I can't tell you enough how important it is, check your boobs often, look at them in the mirror so you know them like the back of your hand that way it will be so much easier to notice any changes. be breast aware #KnowYourBoobs. 

*Statistic taken from Breast cancer care UK

I Have Breast Cancer

I keep saying it because I can barely believe it myself I have Breast Cancer I'm thirty-six years old, I have five children and I have Breast Cancer how can life be so bloody cruel.

4% THE NUMBER OF WOMEN UNDER 39 THAT GET BREAST CANCER 

physically I feel so well apart from having the odd pain in the breast I am no different to how I was a month ago except now I know, I know I have a monster growing in my breast one that is trying to suck the life out of me, how do I feel honestly, I am just numb I am talking about it to people telling friends, family, work colleagues as if its just something that has happened or happens to everyone its still does not feel real, my brain just isn't processing the information at this point.

Thursday 11th July Diagnosis and the plan 

Today was the day I was given my diagnosis, I went to the hospital with Ian and my sister by my side, to listen to the news I was almost expecting, the consultant said I'm really sorry its cancer - my reaction I didn't cry I think over the last week I had already prepared myself for the worst news possible they thought there were two small masses however they couldn't be sure as when they do a mammogram in women under fifty, breast tissue is quite dense so they can't always see cancer properly.

The consultant explained that because of how the cancer was sitting inside my breast, there were two small masses about two centimetres apart surrounded by microcalcifications (the beginnings of more cancer)

The Consultant thought that I would need to have a full mastectomy,  However, she wanted to be sure and said they were going to send me for an MRI which would give them a much more accurate view of what they were actually dealing with because of my young age if they could they would rather just perform a lumpectomy where they remove only the part with cancer so my boob would be saved.

The consultant had also organised blood to be taken an ECG and my pre-operation talk I was given leaflets, for practically everything I needed to know about breast cancer and a special folder to keep it all in, but no actual specific treatment plan yet.

I have no idea what they were talking about at that point it was just all too much my mind was drifting fixated on the folder, ironically I was thinking the last time I had a special folder and this many appointments I was having the twins, how I wish I could go back to then, I was so happy, now I just don't know what to think or feel I don't want a bloody operation nor do I want any treatment I just want it all to go away.

The Hospital said they're ninety percent sure I have Breast Cancer

Wednesday the 3rd of July

My Appointment is at the hospital, this time I had no kids to take with me, my mum and dad had offered to look after the girls for me and the boys were at school. My appointment was nice and early 9.30 I arrived, they promptly called me through to see the consultant, she was really lovely the staff told me to change into a gown which,  I did she examined my breast and felt the lump, smiled she said

"well there is no history of cancer in your family, you are young and fit I am quite sure it will be a cyst or fatty tissue, we will get you an ultrasound and if everything looks ok you will be discharged from there"

I was quite happy I went and waited outside the room to be called in.

I didn't have to wait long before I was called into the ultrasound room, once in the room, they asked me if I knew which breast that needed looking at?  I said yes the Left breast, they began the scan I say because there were two people looking at the screen they were pointing and sighing and zooming in and out, I couldn't really see what they were looking at or hear what they were saying they scanned booth breasts the person taking the ultrasound then turned to me and said

"we're not sure at the moment what we are looking at we want you to have a mammogram and come back to us after".

At this point, I felt nervous I dint understand what they had seen or why they were not discharging me, I'm 36 it cant be surely more than an abscess, fatty tissue or a cyst so off I went for the mammogram it wasn't really painful like some people had said just really uncomfortable and the room was freezing which didn't help matters.

Once the mammogram had all been done, it was back to the ultrasound room when I went inside they were both examining the mammogram they then explained to me what was going on, they told me that they were 90% sure that what the scans had shown up was something suspicious but they couldn't be sure without taking tissue samples, they then asked to take a biopsy an ultrasound-guided biopsy to be precise they also wanted to put a marker in my breast in case they needed to scan it again, I agreed.

It began, it was horrible anaesthetic first then they took approximately six biopsies all I could think was it can't be cancer I am only 36, what about the kids? how the hell am I going to cope with the kids and being ill who was going to look after them?

I could feel hot tears trickling down my face one of the radiographers pulled a tissue out the box and wiped my cheek, I couldn't speak I was really trying to be brave at that moment I didn't want to cry in front of these strangers, the biopsies seemed to go on for a lifetime all I could think was I just want to go home. When I came out of the ultrasound room.

I went running into my little sister's arms crying, she had been patiently waiting outside for me, I don't think she knew what to think or to say, I'm the one who has always looked after her and now she was taking my worries, trying to be the strong one, I didn't like the feeling at all, the radiographer moved us into a private room the tears didn't last long I don't think id really taken it all in.

Afterwards, I had to see the consultant again and do you know what? she apologised, apologised for saying she was confident it was nothing this time she had another lady with her in a different uniform a deep blue uniform, I looked at her name badge it said breast cancer specialist nurse, the consultant told me she would see me a week from this day with the results and left the room.

The nurse looked at me and said do you understand what you have just been told and I said

"Shes Telling Me I Have Cancer"

The nurse just looked at me and said I'm not going to sugar coat it yes she is but we have to wait for the official results first.

The rest is a blur I didn't really hear anything else I just kept looking at the clock and the door.

I had been at the hospital three hours I was in pain with my boob my brain could not process any more information, I wanted to go home and couldn't get out quick enough.

When I got home I was like a robot, I told my Mum and Dad they cried in fact I rang or messaged most of my close friends or family not really thinking about what I was saying just repeating the same story over and over talking about it like it is something I had watched on the TV my brain wasn't processing things, I was starting to get cross, people were saying how sorry they were and crying, I just wasn't taking it seriously, I was just saying don't worry I'm honestly fine and really I was.

I was fine until about four days  after my appointment, after googling and googling my symptoms I just got really mad I went up into the bedroom and started throwing things around for no reason, then I cried, and I cried and I cried to the point where I felt like I couldn't breathe and everything hurt, I cried until I fell asleep.

The next day I decided that ninety per cent perhaps wasn't enough of a percentage, they could have still got it wrong, couldn't they? after all the NHS do get things wrong,  I rang the Breast care nurses and asked them what the percentage was of them getting things wrong, she wasn't very helpful she said the radiographers don't usually get things wrong (well she was really helpful she just didn't say the words I wanted her too) my mind went into overdrive if I wasn't thinking about cancer I was googling it, talking about it crying about it thinking about my life, was I going to survive? who would look after the kids if I didn't?

These stupid thoughts came and went I needed to wait for the results everything crossed the professionals were wrong!