My Breast Cancer Journey - More bad news

Monday 22nd July 

The day I went for my MRI scan, a scan you say easy I thought it would be easy it was bloody horrific laying on my front with my boobs in what could only be described as a basket for 35 minutes it wasn't a nice experience at all, I have seen MRI scans so many times from behind the glass window but being in one, it was so noisy even with headphones over my ears at one point I was really frightened I shed a few tears while I laid in there on my own.

Thursday 25th July 

Today was the day I got my results from the MRI on that I had had on Monday, The consultant was hoping the MRI scan would show the mass was small enough to perform a lumpectomy - a lumpectomy is where they just remove the lump leaving the breast in place so it conserves the rest of the breast and tissue.

However, the results were in and it was more bad news the results showed the mass was not just one mass or two it was multifocal meaning there were more than one or two masses there was around five or six masses one slightly larger and lots of little tumours around the primary mass. 

The MRI also showed the breast tissue has high-grade ductal carcinoma all around them the whole area was nine centimetres by seven centimetres so the cancer was far more extensive than originally thought, this meant there was no other way to remove the cancer, other than to have a full mastectomy it was a hard blow to swallow.

We talked through my options, the consultant told me if I wanted immediate breast reconstruction she could give me an implant which would probably leave me looking very odd, also the risk of infection was high and with me having to have second-line treatment after the mastectomy it would probably end up not being very nice. It would also be difficult to fix if it was to end up damaged or infected. 

The consultant recommended a mastectomy with delayed reconstruction would probably be the best thing for me as there was less risk of infection and the reconstruction, later on, would be easier for them to perform and would look a lot better.

It was a really difficult decision, I decided that I would go with her recommendation of the latter option, a full mastectomy with delayed reconstruction, although I would have to wait 18 months to two years for this, by then hopefully all this nightmare of a situation would be over and I would be properly healed.

I can't tell you what it feels like knowing you have got to go to surgery and have your breast removed and wake up flat. 

How would you feel if you were told you had got to have one of your breasts removed?

I have never really realised how much having boobs makes you feel like a woman, when you have had them all your life and someone tells you, you have got to have one taken away it just makes me feel really sad, I am dreading the surgery, dreading waking up flat, its not normal and things will never, ever be the same again implant or rebuild my boobs will never be what they were and never look the same.

On the plus side, I will be alive, the operation will be the start of my recovery, the start of me being cancer-free and the start of getting back to normal, although things will never be normal as I knew them before, maybe somewhere I can find a new kind of normal. The road to recovery is still a long way off and after surgery, no decisions have been made to what treatment I am having next so this is just the beginning.