If you follow my blog and you follow me I can only apologies for the lack of posts, you see the last couple of months my mind has been else where, through the smiles at Britmums live 2014, I somehow lost my voice, lost my voice to type, lost my way, you see this pregnancy has shaken up my whole world and I know a new baby should be a joyous occasion, I should be getting excited, I should be planning, but for selfish reasons through the evenings when I eventually have time to sit down and think about being pregnant, I was trying to convince myself that somehow the tests might be wrong that maybe me jeans that are getting tighter might be because I ate too much pizza the night before, and the sickness that had somehow taken over me was a bug.
Denial, is the best way to describe how I have been feeling, some might say I am selfish, I know there are so many people that would love to be in my position, but I guess in your own heart and head you cant help the way you feel or think.
The weeks leading up to my first scan, seem to have taken forever giving me too much time to think, but finally that day arrived I explained to the boys where we were going that morning and to be honest it was really quite emotional telling them, I found tears running down my cheeks as I explained to them that we were going to see a baby on the screen we were going to see there new brother or sister - they were both excited, I couldn't but help think what if I go and my tummy is empty, what if I go and the baby doesn't have a heart beat, it would be my fault for wishing it away for not believing there was anything their I was a wittering mess on the bus, with Liam asking excited questions.
Another part of me was emotional because with both Liam and Adam myself and there dad was excited for there scans we went together, he had held my hand and we had chatted excitedly in the waiting areas, this time was so different, this time I know how he feels about another baby, I know to a certain extent I am alone.
When I arrived at the waiting area for my scan I was sitting with my head down the room full of loving couples, couples who's eyes I felt were boring into me, I could imagine what they were thinking look at her a single mum already two children and here for a scan, I have never felt so uncomfortable and alone.
It felt like a lifetime until the lady from the ultra sound scan room to call us in, I got on the table nerves fluttering would the baby be alright? if it was alright how many weeks am I? how would the boys react? The lady passed the scanner over my stomach and there it was a beautiful baby a strong beating heart, a tubby tummy, a baby that was stubborn and lazy, baby didn't want to move it didn't want its photo taking (that's why the pictures are not that great) even making me shake my tummy about doing a wiggle, just made baby put its hand over its face - I was in love the moment I saw the baby on the screen it was real and it was there, I think this is the most emotional scan I have had so many thoughts and worries just melted away I honestly just felt love, like I already have for the boys and Liam although he is only four he held his mummies hand, he fetched Adam some raisins out of his bag when he started to get impatient and moany.
He asked "how can we get that baby out, I want the baby here now" he really brightened up my mood and made me laugh and I am so proud of Liam, in fact of both of my boys and I know I will be just as proud of this new baby, I really feel bad for any untoward thoughts I had about this new little one now I have seen that baby is real, I feel like I can finally start sleeping at night, finally start planning, I know I will always have worries but it is just a part of being a parent.
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